sick cycle

practice what you preach chei.

i'm starting to hate you.

living in the shadows of deceit

"I deny the lawfulness of telling a lie to a sick man for fear of alarming him. You have no business with consequences; you are to tell the truth...It may bring his distemper to a crisis, and that may cure him. Of all lying, I have the greatest abhorrence of this, because I believe it has been frequently practiced on myself".- Samuel Johnson

tama. 'yan ang header ko.

"i have the greatest abhorrence of this....
....I believe it has been practiced on myself."

lies.
false reassurance.
faking.
malik-mata.
mirage.
multo.

"okay lang kahit murahin mo pa ako."
"kung masasakit na salita sabihin mo sa akin."
"basta totoo."
-wag ganito.

-sana masabi ko.


if you'll stab me, make it quick.
use an ice-pick. katana pwede rin.
pierce right through me.
stab hard. stab deep.

wag 'yung ganito.
small blade..
slowly cutting through me..
superficial.
unti-unti.

Don't break it to me gently.
I don't need your lies.
lalong sumasakit.
mahirap.

cut my heart and slash my soul.

tao ako.

sana di ka gumaganti.

(ayy stupid i forgot di mo pala alam blogsite ko. of all people. hahaha)


>melodies of life: napansin ko lang. halos lahat ng post dito ay malungkot. sana maiba naman ang tugtog.

separation anxiety attack

this song can't stop playin' on my mind..
the whole day.
ewan. di naman uso 'toh ngaun ah? yee!
lagi ko sinasabi wala akong fear.
ngayon pala eh lahat kinatatakutan ko..
dami naiicp.
bored kahit dami ginagawa.
OC.
paranoid in denial.

I Try
Macy Gray

Games, changes and fears..
When will they go from here?
When will they stop?
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together,
But we're not.
I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you.
I'll keep my cool, but I'm feigning..

I try to say goodbye and I choke,
Try to walk away and I stumble.
Though I try to hide it, it's clear.
My world crumbles when you are not near..

I may appear to be free,
But I'm just a prisoner of your love..
And I may seem all right and smile when you leave.
But my smiles are just a front.
Just a front, hey..
I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you.
I'll keep my cool, but I'm feigning.


Here is my confession
May I be your possession
Boy, I need your touch
Your love kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
Deny.


Goodbye and I choke (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I try to walk away and I stumble (hey, hey, hey)
Though I try to hide it, it's clear (sick of love)
My world crumbles when you are not near (your love, kisses and..)

_______________
kanina


napadpad ako sa tarlac.(business matters.)
habang nagaabang ng jeep for almost an hour..
nakakita ako ng live na autobot..
si optimus prime. haha..
saya ko..
'yun nga lang hindi xa nagtransform. dinaanan lang ako.
at inalikabukan.
sayang.



malungkot parin.
eto mensahe ko sa single friends. na malungkot at nangungulit.
(hi mei!)
hindi 'big sabihin na hindi ka single eh masaya kana.
minsan, di ka naman talaga in-love.
emotionally attached lang.
dependent ka sa taong 'yon.
woot!
at 'pag nawawala, eh.. uhm.. tama na.

+

loneliness of being single.
hindi rin siguro sagot ang friends.
nagiging distraction sila, para sumaya ka for a moment.
they help..
and when you're alone, you're alone.
mag-iisip ka na naman.
hindi rin sagot ang bf/gf.
parang alcohol yan, parang caffeine.
bakit? di ko alam. nasabi ko lang. isipin mo nalang.


find comfort in yourself first.
alagaan mo 'yung snowglobe moh..
'dun ka sa loob. protected.
parang shield yan against Boazanian monsters.
then one day..
biglang may magbabasag.
shattered na ang snow globe mong maganda.
( hihi.. so mean of me to say.. but it is true.)
kaya be ready.
ika nga ni Darwin:
"It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change. "

=)

la lang.
pasenxa na kung ano naiicp ko eh sinusulat ko.
naiisip ko lang si mei.
iska kaya mo yan.

ako.
taken..
and alone.
haha..
life.

babush.

seven seven seven

frustrated.
this is the day i was always waiting for since July 7, 2002.
sigh.. (may tinanong ako kay God nung araw na yun sa Church. teary-eyed pah..)

the moment i woke up this morning, i sent friends txt messages na "happy 777." fave number ko din ang seven.
it should be a happy day. blessed.. lucky, ect.. blah blah..

turns out, hindi.
grrhh..


supposed to be, may papanoorin ako kanina with a friend.
or.. i would have somebody hancuffed.. =) (ui nag-isip xa..)
what happened was...

>i printed out thirty pieces of balloons this morning, because nag-absent yung isang nagtatrabaho sa shop namin.. 'tas ako pa ngGlaze. so tiring. may vertigo ako so hilong-hilo na ako kanina.. and i forgot to bring Serc with me.

>nasayang nanaman unli ko ng 5 days coz wla akong katext. kahit si E.T. I think he's mad at me. snoban nanaman kami.

>my mother and i brought my little sister to the hospital coz she's having relapses of fever, and may earache..

>my sister was admitted to the hospital. Diagnoses: pneumonia with otitis media.

>i went home. alone.
naglakad ako sa ulan.
so cold..
i'm wet.
i got 100 bucks left.
i passed by two lovers. ang sweet nila.
the boy won't let a drop of rain fall on his girl.(un tingin ko.)
asa kanya na jacket, pinayungan pa, tas naka-akbay.
wow. dry and warm. with the presence of her boyfriend.
masaya sila.

okay, so nainggit nanaman ako..


>bf ay nasa malate. pumunta sa gig. di 'man lang nagtxt. (okay nagpaalam naman)
this paranoid personality disorder of mine is overworking again.
i tried to call. tas dinrop ko. hehe..
"pag masaya ka nakakalimutan mo ako."
re:"wala akong load. nagpapasa lang."


wow.
i shouldnt't care.
don't worry di na kita hahanapin.
i won't worry anymore kung napano ka na or what. (posible ba yun? duh chei?.. oo)

nakakainis pag alam mo na ugali ng isang tao.
nakakainis din when someone tries to lie to you, and turns out he's a bad lier.

nakakainis.


i need a hug.


sige. i'm tired and i want to sleep nah.
nagkwento lang ako.
complaints..

iniisip ko tuloy kung ano sagot ni God.


again, i need a hug. sigh..

_____________
nawalan ng power supply nang itinatype ko ang post na to.
buti may autosave ang blogger.
so lucky.

Tanga daw si St. Mother Theresa,.

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."- Mother Theresa

If love hurts, then love some more, if love hurts some more, then love even more, if love hurts even more... then love 'till it hurts no more..

yan.
hmm.. kung mababasa to ni E.T. pamilyar to skanya.
("Loving you doesn't hurt me anymore. I have learned to understand you. bleeh!")


tama na drama.
wala lang. walang kwenta. share ko lang. haha..
no. thing is, in my Christian Formation class this morning, and that topic is what's bothering my 2nd-year
classmates.(i'm supposed to be a fourth-year BSN student but then i dropped out of school last february,on my third year at school, so irreg ako ngayon and i have 2nd-year and fourth-year classmates.. blah blah..)

two days na nilang pinaguusapan yan. mind-boggling daw. sigh.

here's the question: kaya mo bang ibigay ang lahat para sa mahal mo? Lahat? buo?
karamihan sa mga nakababata naming kaklase ay sumagot na:"No. I can't give my all to the person I love."

me thinking:
"huh? anu ba yon? nagmahal kaba talaga non? anu daw? baka iba naiisip nila? baka katawan? anu?? di naman siguro."

nagtanong muli ang aking gwapong professor:"Are you willing to give everything? sacrifice everything for the people you love? Are you willing to GIVE YOURSELF to others? the whole of you? "
yung classmate ko sa mismong likod ko nag-react violently,pasigaw: "huh?! anoh? katangahan na 'yun noh!! TANGA lang gagawa nyan!"

.. bigla ako napatingin sa kanya. tinignan ko talaga sa mata.resigned look. smile ako jan. then, i resumed drawing in my lil notebook. sarcastic ah.

me thinking (1 000 000 neurons per second):
"nakuha nya naman siguro nais kong ipahiwatig. siguro hindi pa nya maintindihan. hindi pa sya nagmahal. minahal ba nya pamilya nya? hmm.. well, she's sixteen. and maybe she had experienced loving someone.

and she's just scared to love again.

true.

i also got to that point in my life that i was scared to love.
Love makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses..you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one person comes into your life..You give them a piece of you. Oftentimes they didn't ask for it.. They'll do something dumb one day and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you..baka she was left behind or was suddenly dumped by someone she trusted. okay, so mejo nakakatakot nga ma-inLove. andun na ako."


sagot ng gwapong prof: what about Jesus? he gave everything. Sacrificed... blah blah..(CF subject toh!) Si Mother Theresa, sabi nya magmahal ka lang ng magmahal. ibigay mo lahat ng sarili mo. So, miss _, tanga pala si Mother Theresa? Saint Mother Theresa. wala palang pwedeng maging santo dito ngayon?
kung nagmahal ka pero hindi mo ibinigay ang buo ng iyong sarili, nagmahal ka nga ba?"

silence hits the class.

someone said: "pano ko po ibibigay ang sarili ko? edi wala nang natira sakin?"

naisip ko:"asayo parin naman ang katawan mo. i-share mo lang siguro. kahit naman mamatay ka may maiiwan parin sayo. yung kaluluwa mo." ( wag sana ma mis-interpret)

mukha bang joke? o loka loka nagsulat?


haha.. dba? diba? ako aaminin ko. ganun ako. i love to help kahit na alam kong mapapabayaan ko na yung sarili kong needs. ewan. natural lang. Am I stupid? malamang. at one point. pero i'm bothered when i don't help someone who needs help. Charity tawag 'don. Ito na siguro ang dahilan kung bakit ako pumasok sa masakit sa ulo na nursing.siguro. it makes my life meaningful. kahit na aaminin ko ang gusto ko talagang kunin na kurso ay Fine Arts or Architecture.. masaya parin ako sa pagtulong.


hindi dapat tungkol dito isusulat ko ngayon. marami gumugulo sa isip ko.
parricide, LADLAD Party list, autobots, ocean's 13, slr ko, di kami bati ni ET, vertigo..

pero.. o xa..

inaantok na rin ako. hindi nya ako bati.


-sana walang mahiya o matakot magbigay ng komento. di ako nangangagat. masarap ang diskusyon.

bow

the lotus is in bloom.

some lines from joni mitchell's song "both sides now"


Rows and floes of angel hair,
And ice cream castles in the air..
and feather canyons everywhere..
I've looked at clouds that way.

But now they only block the sun.
They rain and snow on everyone..

So many things I would have done,
But clouds got in my way..

Tears and fears and feeling proud,
to say I love him right out loud.
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds,
I've looked at life that way.

But now old friends are acting strange..
They shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Well something's lost, but something's gained, in living every day.

As every fairy tale comes real
Ive looked at love that way...

..But now its just another show
You leave em laughing when you go.
And if you care, don't let them know,
Don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now.
From give and take, and still somehow...

i love you.

sigh.. july's coming.

i've spent the whole month of june singled out,and in contemplation..
and..
i finally found myself.

i was wrong. in sooO many ways.
i confess i have been so self-centered.
i realized he's not a pig after all.
i cheated on him.
i realized i was dumb.
I've known who my real friends are.
i admit i was weak.
i should've fought harder.
i've known that i am such a paranoid freak.
i have a number of personality disorders..
three.. and counting.
hayyz..

Dependent Personality Disorder

[involves severe and disabling emotional dependency on others. have difficulty making decisions without a great deal of advice and reassurance from others. urgently seek out another relationship when a close relationship ends. They feel uncomfortable by themselves.]

Paranoid Personality Disorder

[feel constant suspicion and distrust toward other people. believe that others are against them and constantly look for evidence to support their suspicions. hostile toward others and react angrily to perceived insults.]


Borderline personality disorder

-experience intense emotional instability, particularly in relationships with others. may make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment by others. experience minor problems as major crises. may also express their anger, frustration, and dismay through suicidal gestures, self-mutilation, and other self-destructive acts. They tend to have an unstable self-image or sense of self.



may gaahshh! psychotic!

uhmm.. i'm not trying to seek professional counseling though..

i already have my counselor. hehehe..
he's an extra-terrestrial creature.


i love this life.

_______________________________
addendum ni doc:


these days.
i spend a lot of time on cooking.
kanina, i bought something special for someone special sa mall.
i was alone.
and was happy.

gusto ko mapanod ocean's 13 or transformers.
papanorin namin is harry potter.
sigh..
at least..
it's for free! ehe..


'yung SLR ko, pahiram ko muna kay e.t.
sana di hanapin samin.
lookin forward to see his grandmOm again.
i hope her health gets better.

ano kaya dadalhin ko?
hmmMM..
i'm not supposed to be writing about this.

it's extremely dangerous.

aja!

the 28th post

now i know i love you..

i do.

now i know you really love me.

thanks for being there..
thanks for being my friend.
thanks for the love.


i'm sorry for my mistakes.
i have been bad to you.


thanks for everything.

e muja oui ruhao.

the final song.. the perfect song.

the final song
calla lily


Tired of looking at your photographs
Smiling at your latest craze
You can change the things you say and do
But nothing can change the fact
That you are sadly deranged
And i want nothing to do with you

No more hot tears and pride
No more bloodshed this time

I'm moving on to a better place
Nightmares don't arrive when i see your face
Cannot hold on to a bitter past
Candles like us were never meant to last

Maybe you were right and i was wrong
But nonetheless this is my final song
About you

Tired of thinking about memories
Laughing at your plastic head
Even after all that we've been through
Nothing can change the fact
That i walked the path
And i was happy to see it through

No more hot tears and pride
No more bloodshed this time

I'm moving on to a better place
Nightmares don't arrive when i see your face
Cannot hold on to a bitter past
Candles like us were never meant to last

Maybe you were right and i was wrong
But nonetheless this is my final song
Let's go...

Maybe you were right and i was wrong
But nonetheless this is my final song

Maybe you were right and i was wrong
But nonetheless this is my final song

I'm moving on to a better place
Nightmares don't arrive when i see your face
Cannot hold on to a bitter past
Candles like us were never meant to last

Maybe you were right and i was wrong
But nonetheless this is my final song...

salamat.

'this post was written last june 5 2007


finally free.


ehem ehem..

pat!

welcome back!
it's been three years.. joke..
another reason why i should feel happy.

lots of reasons.. i was just too stupid.. spending my time in seclusion..
lonely.. down.. depressed..
seven months.
thinking of someone.. who's probaby having a good time right now.. ignoring me.(well, goodluck sayo at sa leche mong fb!umasenso ka sana.)
>yhel, read this. ehe.
< nah.. snap out of it chei.

hindi ito ang sinasabi kong controbersial na post..
next time maybe.. hmm.. sabi nyo lahat ng post ko eh controbersial.. ewan. something happened eh.. i think this is a more positive one...
woOh! tag mo sa scoreboard! minsan minsan lang toh..

i'm just glad.. amazed. how blessed i am.. inspite of what had happened to me.
just knowing that a lot of people are looking forward reading my posts..
the ones which never left me.. people calling me.. sending me messages even though i can't respond..
sending me letters.. visiting me.. mga taong nag aagawan para makuha oras ko..
in short, mga nagpapahalaga skin. na if ever mawala nga talaga ako eh.. hahanapin ako.

never thought that many people really care about me.. concerned of what i'm goin' through. or should i say..
i was just too focused with something to notice them.
i ignored the ones who really love and care for me without even asking for anything in return. the ones who make me laugh.. respecting me. giving me importance.. (kahit na may kanya-kanya kaming buhay at problema, they still managed to give me a part of their precious precious time) how could i ignore them? life could have been a lot harder without them.

this shows that there is so much more to life that should be given importance.. that i took for granted. hmm..
to think of it.. why was he ignoring me?
answer? it's all a matter of economics.. and logic.
sad thing is i'm not good at economics.. kung san ako nalulugi dun ako pumupunta.. hak..

and logic..? blind obedience and blind love killed the logic inside me.. and burned its remains..
the person i prioritized most is showing me that i was not worth his time anymore..
(eh ang dami namang nag aagawan jan sakin..
lam nila kung ano tlaga ako..in and out. i won't hide myself. i'm not a faker.)


this may sound selfish and boastful of me.. it's just true eh..
i finally realized what i'm worth.. and i shouldn't settle for anything less..

here's a text message from a friend: "opinion: kasalanan mo nah, kaw kasi, masyadong malambot puso moh.. wag magpaalila, ipaglaban ang karapatang pang kababaihan, pugsain ang pang aapi, mabuhay ang namatay! toinx!"

it was a joke. and it meant something. ala Gabriela anoh??

hayy.. etoh.. specials.. making a list ain't bad eh?? over acting lang. ehe. sa mga unmentioned, mamemention din kau. i hope this is not another mistake. uncensored ako. sorry!

dalaga and oti: i'm sorry i was such a stubborn daughter.. i know i'm hard to handle. i'm thankful that you have never given up on me though i've always pushed you away.. thanks for the patience and support. i won't let you down anymore.


mish: you've always been such a good friend. you're my best. we had our fights.. ehe.. there's a lot that we've gone through.. never thought na after what have happened to us anjan kpa din.. 3 years din tyong hindi okay..diba? i admit that i left you just when you really needed me thae most, the times that you were down.. and i wasn't even there to support you..di kita ntulungan mgbuhat ng burden. bad ko. i knew you needed me that time.. but aun nga, as i've said, tatanga tanga ako sa economics. yung mga dapat i-value eh tinatapon ko. i'm sorry. i promise i won't ever do that again. i want to thank you for the help.. kahit na you know that mapapahamak ka pag tinulungan moko.. don't worry, tayo lang may alam ng katotohanan. =) salamat sa balde baldeng advices.. na hiningi ko at binigay mo.. pero di ko nagawang lunukin.. sa pagtyaga mong magtext ng wee hours just to make me feel better.. grrhh.. i love you tol! you're the only one who've never let me down. sa mga friends. the one i've trusted that NEVER betrayed me or left me hangin'.



barbie: alam kong hindi mo mababasa toh.. pero.. well.. ewan. salamat sa lahat.. maxado marami ginawa mo para isulat ko. hehe.. classmate nanaman kita! mwah!

choki dude: thanks for being a brother to me.. kahit matanda pko sau.. salamat sa pagttyagang paguntog ng ulo ko sa pader. sa pag libre ng rh cocolet.. sa pagsama sakin sa simbahan.. sa.. sa.. kalokohan mo! at pag gising sakin sa umaga kahit di ako sumasama sayo.


yuuya: salamat din. may magic ka ata for always makin me feel better.. alam kong nagalit ka sakin kahit papano.. na Feel ko eh.. "Ikaw, ikaw, ako, tayo ay masaya...Nais kong sabihin sa iyo at sabihin mo rin sa iba na kahit anong mangyari di ka mag-iisa..Kamay ko'y hawakan puso ko'y tignan..di ka iiwanan..kahit pa saan.Hwag ka lang matakot sa ano pa man..pagkat ako'y kasama.hindi mo ba nkikita, Hndi mo ba nkikita?" tayo ay masaya... lagi ko pinapakinggan mga songs moh.. =) oo, nakikita ko nah. =)


jheiie: you've always been right..^^,. miss you dudung.. you've been a great help.. sorry di ako makalabas kasama kaw.. hehe.. enjoy sana.

ziel: tama ka.. tama ka.. gago! hehe.. joke. salamat din sa advices.. kaylangan nga mag aral.. tama ka.. talo ako.. there's always something gOod to look forward to.. di ko kakalimutan sinabi mo.. gago.salamat sa mga debate. single or taken../_/_/_/ tayo!(akalain mo, lumitaw ka dito?peace)


prince eyeh: thanks for having me as your princess.. princess fiona! hahahaa... ayan sabi ko lilitaw ka dito. hmm.. thanks sa advices.. sa tsupport.. kahit malayo ka.. eh nakatulong ka talaga.. yung attention.. at pagmulat sakin sa mga di ko nakikita. salamat..for making me laugh again. i will keep my promise.

chi and alain: i knew you would understand..wag na tayo emo ha.. blag blagan nah! ^^


khaye and yhet: it's been a while.. hmm.. wait lang.. may gagawin ako. hehe

d ex: pangit mu!

bow. pagod nkoh.. publish ko na toh.. baka mawala nanaman connection..

inert..

five days.

just five days has passed and.. whoah..
a lot of significant events and changes lodged into my life..
significant..




ehehe..

yeah.. most of my friends say.. nah.. okay.. all of my friends tell me that i'm the most inconsistent being they have encountered..

unstable..
dynamic..

they sometimes say that i just lie..

truth is.. i don't. they're just not updated of the things i'm goin through..
change.. always flips sides..

parang si.. {} mahilig magflip.. wOoh!

{please don't bring prejudice here.. lalo na ikaw, elaine.}di ako naghahanap ng away.. i'm here to express my thoughts.. i'm not angry though.. pakiusap ko lang noh.. if ever you relay stories about people.. they must be exact.. specific..impartial.. unbiased.. it must be the truth.. partial truth is more lethal than a blatant untruth dude. you are indeed responsible and accountable to whatever you say.. or do. i just hope that the things i've heard about you.. playing a role of a broadcast journalist.. nah.. bad broadcast journalist ain't true.. baka mapalitan mo pa si perez hilton nyan.. abah.. chikadOra! rant all you can! i hope you know what friendship means.. really means. yung essence ha.. i'll be waiting for your response dear.. speak to me clearly.. and unmasked.

wooh.. like the second hand of the clock..
now i'm here.. with one blink.. i'm half a mile away..
nOw i'm married.. after a few minutes.. i'm divorced..
after a day..
ahaha..

whatever.

people..

bakit ba maxado inaabangan mga nangyayari sa buhay ko? haha.. read my blog.. updated ka dito.. get the news straight from my writings..

kitsches..

i don't mean to fool them.. they're making fools out of themselves..

my week today.. is a melting pot of emotions.. roughly mixed.. a salad mixed up with strong spices you can barely eat..

vomitus, vomitus.. where have you gone?

aw... i wonder what will happen tomorrow?

this post is so mixed up..

disgorge as you please.

♥ happy birthday ruh ♥