the lotus is in bloom.

some lines from joni mitchell's song "both sides now"


Rows and floes of angel hair,
And ice cream castles in the air..
and feather canyons everywhere..
I've looked at clouds that way.

But now they only block the sun.
They rain and snow on everyone..

So many things I would have done,
But clouds got in my way..

Tears and fears and feeling proud,
to say I love him right out loud.
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds,
I've looked at life that way.

But now old friends are acting strange..
They shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Well something's lost, but something's gained, in living every day.

As every fairy tale comes real
Ive looked at love that way...

..But now its just another show
You leave em laughing when you go.
And if you care, don't let them know,
Don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now.
From give and take, and still somehow...

i love you.

sigh.. july's coming.

i've spent the whole month of june singled out,and in contemplation..
and..
i finally found myself.

i was wrong. in sooO many ways.
i confess i have been so self-centered.
i realized he's not a pig after all.
i cheated on him.
i realized i was dumb.
I've known who my real friends are.
i admit i was weak.
i should've fought harder.
i've known that i am such a paranoid freak.
i have a number of personality disorders..
three.. and counting.
hayyz..

Dependent Personality Disorder

[involves severe and disabling emotional dependency on others. have difficulty making decisions without a great deal of advice and reassurance from others. urgently seek out another relationship when a close relationship ends. They feel uncomfortable by themselves.]

Paranoid Personality Disorder

[feel constant suspicion and distrust toward other people. believe that others are against them and constantly look for evidence to support their suspicions. hostile toward others and react angrily to perceived insults.]


Borderline personality disorder

-experience intense emotional instability, particularly in relationships with others. may make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment by others. experience minor problems as major crises. may also express their anger, frustration, and dismay through suicidal gestures, self-mutilation, and other self-destructive acts. They tend to have an unstable self-image or sense of self.



may gaahshh! psychotic!

uhmm.. i'm not trying to seek professional counseling though..

i already have my counselor. hehehe..
he's an extra-terrestrial creature.


i love this life.

_______________________________
addendum ni doc:


these days.
i spend a lot of time on cooking.
kanina, i bought something special for someone special sa mall.
i was alone.
and was happy.

gusto ko mapanod ocean's 13 or transformers.
papanorin namin is harry potter.
sigh..
at least..
it's for free! ehe..


'yung SLR ko, pahiram ko muna kay e.t.
sana di hanapin samin.
lookin forward to see his grandmOm again.
i hope her health gets better.

ano kaya dadalhin ko?
hmmMM..
i'm not supposed to be writing about this.

it's extremely dangerous.

aja!

the 28th post

now i know i love you..

i do.

now i know you really love me.

thanks for being there..
thanks for being my friend.
thanks for the love.


i'm sorry for my mistakes.
i have been bad to you.


thanks for everything.

e muja oui ruhao.

the final song.. the perfect song.

the final song
calla lily


Tired of looking at your photographs
Smiling at your latest craze
You can change the things you say and do
But nothing can change the fact
That you are sadly deranged
And i want nothing to do with you

No more hot tears and pride
No more bloodshed this time

I'm moving on to a better place
Nightmares don't arrive when i see your face
Cannot hold on to a bitter past
Candles like us were never meant to last

Maybe you were right and i was wrong
But nonetheless this is my final song
About you

Tired of thinking about memories
Laughing at your plastic head
Even after all that we've been through
Nothing can change the fact
That i walked the path
And i was happy to see it through

No more hot tears and pride
No more bloodshed this time

I'm moving on to a better place
Nightmares don't arrive when i see your face
Cannot hold on to a bitter past
Candles like us were never meant to last

Maybe you were right and i was wrong
But nonetheless this is my final song
Let's go...

Maybe you were right and i was wrong
But nonetheless this is my final song

Maybe you were right and i was wrong
But nonetheless this is my final song

I'm moving on to a better place
Nightmares don't arrive when i see your face
Cannot hold on to a bitter past
Candles like us were never meant to last

Maybe you were right and i was wrong
But nonetheless this is my final song...

salamat.

'this post was written last june 5 2007


finally free.


ehem ehem..

pat!

welcome back!
it's been three years.. joke..
another reason why i should feel happy.

lots of reasons.. i was just too stupid.. spending my time in seclusion..
lonely.. down.. depressed..
seven months.
thinking of someone.. who's probaby having a good time right now.. ignoring me.(well, goodluck sayo at sa leche mong fb!umasenso ka sana.)
>yhel, read this. ehe.
< nah.. snap out of it chei.

hindi ito ang sinasabi kong controbersial na post..
next time maybe.. hmm.. sabi nyo lahat ng post ko eh controbersial.. ewan. something happened eh.. i think this is a more positive one...
woOh! tag mo sa scoreboard! minsan minsan lang toh..

i'm just glad.. amazed. how blessed i am.. inspite of what had happened to me.
just knowing that a lot of people are looking forward reading my posts..
the ones which never left me.. people calling me.. sending me messages even though i can't respond..
sending me letters.. visiting me.. mga taong nag aagawan para makuha oras ko..
in short, mga nagpapahalaga skin. na if ever mawala nga talaga ako eh.. hahanapin ako.

never thought that many people really care about me.. concerned of what i'm goin' through. or should i say..
i was just too focused with something to notice them.
i ignored the ones who really love and care for me without even asking for anything in return. the ones who make me laugh.. respecting me. giving me importance.. (kahit na may kanya-kanya kaming buhay at problema, they still managed to give me a part of their precious precious time) how could i ignore them? life could have been a lot harder without them.

this shows that there is so much more to life that should be given importance.. that i took for granted. hmm..
to think of it.. why was he ignoring me?
answer? it's all a matter of economics.. and logic.
sad thing is i'm not good at economics.. kung san ako nalulugi dun ako pumupunta.. hak..

and logic..? blind obedience and blind love killed the logic inside me.. and burned its remains..
the person i prioritized most is showing me that i was not worth his time anymore..
(eh ang dami namang nag aagawan jan sakin..
lam nila kung ano tlaga ako..in and out. i won't hide myself. i'm not a faker.)


this may sound selfish and boastful of me.. it's just true eh..
i finally realized what i'm worth.. and i shouldn't settle for anything less..

here's a text message from a friend: "opinion: kasalanan mo nah, kaw kasi, masyadong malambot puso moh.. wag magpaalila, ipaglaban ang karapatang pang kababaihan, pugsain ang pang aapi, mabuhay ang namatay! toinx!"

it was a joke. and it meant something. ala Gabriela anoh??

hayy.. etoh.. specials.. making a list ain't bad eh?? over acting lang. ehe. sa mga unmentioned, mamemention din kau. i hope this is not another mistake. uncensored ako. sorry!

dalaga and oti: i'm sorry i was such a stubborn daughter.. i know i'm hard to handle. i'm thankful that you have never given up on me though i've always pushed you away.. thanks for the patience and support. i won't let you down anymore.


mish: you've always been such a good friend. you're my best. we had our fights.. ehe.. there's a lot that we've gone through.. never thought na after what have happened to us anjan kpa din.. 3 years din tyong hindi okay..diba? i admit that i left you just when you really needed me thae most, the times that you were down.. and i wasn't even there to support you..di kita ntulungan mgbuhat ng burden. bad ko. i knew you needed me that time.. but aun nga, as i've said, tatanga tanga ako sa economics. yung mga dapat i-value eh tinatapon ko. i'm sorry. i promise i won't ever do that again. i want to thank you for the help.. kahit na you know that mapapahamak ka pag tinulungan moko.. don't worry, tayo lang may alam ng katotohanan. =) salamat sa balde baldeng advices.. na hiningi ko at binigay mo.. pero di ko nagawang lunukin.. sa pagtyaga mong magtext ng wee hours just to make me feel better.. grrhh.. i love you tol! you're the only one who've never let me down. sa mga friends. the one i've trusted that NEVER betrayed me or left me hangin'.



barbie: alam kong hindi mo mababasa toh.. pero.. well.. ewan. salamat sa lahat.. maxado marami ginawa mo para isulat ko. hehe.. classmate nanaman kita! mwah!

choki dude: thanks for being a brother to me.. kahit matanda pko sau.. salamat sa pagttyagang paguntog ng ulo ko sa pader. sa pag libre ng rh cocolet.. sa pagsama sakin sa simbahan.. sa.. sa.. kalokohan mo! at pag gising sakin sa umaga kahit di ako sumasama sayo.


yuuya: salamat din. may magic ka ata for always makin me feel better.. alam kong nagalit ka sakin kahit papano.. na Feel ko eh.. "Ikaw, ikaw, ako, tayo ay masaya...Nais kong sabihin sa iyo at sabihin mo rin sa iba na kahit anong mangyari di ka mag-iisa..Kamay ko'y hawakan puso ko'y tignan..di ka iiwanan..kahit pa saan.Hwag ka lang matakot sa ano pa man..pagkat ako'y kasama.hindi mo ba nkikita, Hndi mo ba nkikita?" tayo ay masaya... lagi ko pinapakinggan mga songs moh.. =) oo, nakikita ko nah. =)


jheiie: you've always been right..^^,. miss you dudung.. you've been a great help.. sorry di ako makalabas kasama kaw.. hehe.. enjoy sana.

ziel: tama ka.. tama ka.. gago! hehe.. joke. salamat din sa advices.. kaylangan nga mag aral.. tama ka.. talo ako.. there's always something gOod to look forward to.. di ko kakalimutan sinabi mo.. gago.salamat sa mga debate. single or taken../_/_/_/ tayo!(akalain mo, lumitaw ka dito?peace)


prince eyeh: thanks for having me as your princess.. princess fiona! hahahaa... ayan sabi ko lilitaw ka dito. hmm.. thanks sa advices.. sa tsupport.. kahit malayo ka.. eh nakatulong ka talaga.. yung attention.. at pagmulat sakin sa mga di ko nakikita. salamat..for making me laugh again. i will keep my promise.

chi and alain: i knew you would understand..wag na tayo emo ha.. blag blagan nah! ^^


khaye and yhet: it's been a while.. hmm.. wait lang.. may gagawin ako. hehe

d ex: pangit mu!

bow. pagod nkoh.. publish ko na toh.. baka mawala nanaman connection..